


Saying Goodbye

by chaotic_carisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaotic_carisi/pseuds/chaotic_carisi
Summary: Rafael took a deep breath as he stood outside the precinct. It had been a long time since he had been here, since he had been in Manhattan even, but here he was.He knew he’d come back eventually, but he didn’t expect it to be so soon, and he definitely didn’t expect it to be for a funeral.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	Saying Goodbye

Rafael took a deep breath as he stood outside the precinct. It had been a long time since he had been here, since he had been in Manhattan even, but here he was. 

He knew he’d come back eventually, but he didn’t expect it to be so soon, and he definitely didn’t expect it to be for a funeral. 

Not this funeral anyway. 

Hundreds of memories came rushing back as he stood outside, memories that he had buried, memories that he didn’t remember making. 

He remembered stolen glances that made his stomach flip, and hidden kisses when no one else was around. He remembered how nervous he had felt on their first date, and how empty he felt when he knew it was over. He remembered the sleepless nights when they spoke about whatever thoughts came to mind, and the nights where they fell asleep as soon as they got home, exhausted from the days' work. 

Throughout all these memories, he saw blue. 

Blue was the only colour that mattered when he was with him.

Rafael felt the lump in his throat as he realised he would never see those blue eyes again. 

He was gone. Sonny was really, truly, actually gone. 

The only thing that made it somehow worse, was the realisation that Rafael never got to say goodbye. Not properly.

It was the only regret he had. 

Maybe Rafael would've stayed, if he knew what was going to happen, but how was he supposed to know. 

How was he supposed to know that the love of his life would be shot and killed? 

If he could change anything, he would change the way he ended things with Sonny. In fact, he probably wouldn’t end things at all. 

Truthfully, they just couldn’t stay together for much longer. They both realised it was ending, and Rafael made the decision when Sonny couldn’t. 

The month before Rafael left was hell. 

Being around Sonny hurt more than he knew was possible, and he even went out of his way to avoid him. Until he left, that is. 

He remembered saying goodbye as though it were yesterday, and not 3 years ago. 

-

“What do you mean, you’re leaving?” Sonny had asked after Rafael told him. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know yet, but I can’t stay here anymore.” Rafael sighed. The past month had been torture, and he knew the only way he could move on would be by leaving. Seeing Sonny everyday was a torture he had never expected. 

“So you’re just leaving me?”

“Sonny, I already left you.” His voice shook as he looked into Sonny’s eyes, and he remembered the countless times before. Those times were followed by a kiss, a hug, or even just comforting words that Rafael needed to hear. Now, there was only pain. 

“So come back to me. Please Raf.” Sonny dropped his gaze to the floor, his eyes watering. “Please.” It was barely a whisper but his voice cut through the empty room, and Rafael heard, clear as day. 

“Soleado…” He didn’t know where to start. The past few months with Sonny had been almost impossible. They had been distant from each other, and barely saw each other outside of work. “We were falling apart at the seams. We were.. we were crashing and burning and neither of us were happy. It was the end. You know it was.” 

Sonny nodded, still not looking up at Rafael. “Can we at least talk? Before you leave, please can we talk?”

This is where Rafael knew he messed up. 

“Of course.” He agreed, but he didn’t listen as Sonny said he’d meet him at his office that night. He barely noticed when Sonny left the room. He had agreed, yet he knew he wouldn’t be meeting Sonny that night. He couldn’t face saying goodbye to Sonny, so he wouldn’t. 

-

Rafael had finally made his way inside the precinct, and although it had been years, he still knew the way to Liv’s office. He had agreed to meet her before going to the funeral, apparently she had something for him, and although Rafael would rather make the visit a quick one, he was curious as to what Liv had. 

As he walked through the crowd of officers towards Liv’s office, he remembered the first time he met Sonny in this very room. He remembered Sonny’s moustache, and his shirts, god those shirts. 

Even though Sonny had the worst shirts in the world, Rafael wanted to know more about him, he was intrigued by this new, loud detective and he wanted to know more. 

It only took half a year before Rafael worked up the courage to ask Sonny on a date after their first meeting. 

Rafael’s hand was shaking as he raised it to knock the door, and he felt his knees become weak as he walked in to Liv’s office. 

He barely heard what she said as he sat down, but it wasn’t difficult to guess. 

A part of Rafael was glad to see Liv again, but the rest of him wished the day never came, especially not like this. 

Liv pushed a cardboard box towards him, and the first thing Rafael noticed was Sonny’s familiar scribble on the side. 

“His sister dropped it off, said it’s just some stuff he had left aside for you.” Rafael opened the box and peaked over the top, and felt his eyes begin to water. 

The first thing he saw was a framed photo of him and Sonny from their first Christmas together, and it was sitting on top of an orange shirt that Rafael would recognise anywhere. He closed the box, not wanting to dig deeper inside yet. 

“Are you ready?” Liv asked, standing up. 

“Am I ready?” Rafael stood up and walked out the office, shaking his head. “Am I ready for the funeral of the love of my life?”

“Rafa, I’m sorry.” She placed a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to stop a few feet away from what used to be Sonny’s desk. 

He didn’t know what to say. He knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t figure out how to. 

“Let’s go.” Liv said, leading him outside. 

He was barely aware of getting in the car, and even less of aware of getting out again. 

Over an hour had passed, but to Rafael it only felt like a few minutes.

He stood alone next to the grave as the others left, and he thought of what to say. 

He looked down at the grave for the first time, and felt the first tear fall. 

“I’m sorry,” was all he could think to say. It wasn’t enough, it was nowhere near enough, but it was all he could say. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry for everything that happened before and everything after.” The tears were running a lot quicker now, and before he realised, Rafael had knelt down in front of Sonny’s grave. He knew exactly what he would say now, and he only wished he had said it sooner. 

“Goodbye Sonny.”


End file.
